Chicken Shit

I have been asked alot lately why I am not "getting out there", dating wise. I am not really sure how to answer this, cause to be honest...I do not know why.
I was sitting about last night thinking I have let that part of my life pass me by for about a year. Simply put, I don't have the emotional energy or confidence for it. Its hard to admit that you have had your fingers burnt, so its even tougher to realise you have to let your singed digits heal and put on your party pants, cause you not going to meet someone hanging around the refrigerator on a Friday night.

Sigh, that is SOOO much more easily said than done. I have had an internal crisis about the meat market ever since I hit the the demographic of 30 - 39 this year. It has been tough rectifying that I need to try and get out again, with the fact I am so put off by the hysteria and overall shallowness of the gay scene.
I am not ashamed of admitting I am looking for something more meaningful than dirty sheets and a quick awkward coffee next morning. I resent being made to feel that way when faced with gob smacking bed hopping, as with my last BF, who was honestly surprised that I wanted to end our relationship when he told me he wanted to "know" other people while "knowing" me at the same time.

That hurt alot, still does as it came hard on the heals of a previous bad breakup. Though I can now see the events that have made me the reticent and rather unsure person I am now. I don't want to be like this and am trying to inch out there. But I don't see that I should be out whoring it up just cause I can, and that to me is the great contradiction of Gay life. Men sleep about because they can, not because they think whether they should, but because of the "Caligula-esque" temptation of seeing if someone better comes along. I dont want another guy who is looking over my shoudler while talking to me, to see may be walking in the door. The condratiction is blinding when many of my plutonic gay friends seem slightly sad and rather haunted by this mirror ball gilded cage they are locked into or are confronted with.
Men will be men, and gay men can access sex without strings. Which I am sure straight men would be doing if no-strings sex was easy for woman. But I can't afford to ruin myself being a town bike, and as I found out recently with an HIV scare, the risks are to high to your health if you are not careful.
So does that explain my hang ups, probably not, as we all need to push ourselves out there after we get banged about a bit. But what to do when the flesh is willing but the heart is chicken shit.

Bit tired today, just have no energy, sucks. I have been taking these Iron tablets that make my pee fluro yellow and i swear i can see my bladder glowing though my stomach when i turn off the lights. I went and asked for some at the chemist and the lady looked at me oddly for a moment then said "oh we don't get many men asking for those." I had to think for a second "hang on i did just say Iron tablets and not super maxi tampons in one of those cute little purse packs please."
Was she on crack or do men never think to go to the chemist if they need a bit of a boost. Maybe both i think. I dunno, i don't think this is a "I am a gay man i want to be healthy and see my abs thing" either. Maybe there is a middle ground where we can prance and skip with ribbons and fluffy white cats and all be in agreement. I think it might be called Sweden.
I need to lay down. more tomorrow.

Mondays Suck

I am sure I am not alone here is saying Mondays suck the proverbial big one.
I was a skippy chicken this morning, full of promise and caffeine. Now I feel like I have had my head was grabbed by the Grumpy Monster and wiped in an unflushed toilet.

I am so sure the Monday derives from the Latin word for "Day of dripping excrement". Oh those Classical Latin peeps had a way with words. They could say "I have just boiled ye mother in yonder vat of peasant renderings and hath chopped up ye siblings for garnish", and you would still drop your toga and ask for a Roman spanking. That explains how Plato got laid, as I hear he was a right minger, worthy of being locked up in the neighbouring arena for lion bait. But he spoke the Latin word well so many a person (I hear of the male kind) danced around his libations.
I have decided that on Mondays I will do fun things after work, like Yoga or chasing neo-conservatives with the gay karma sutra. That makes the imminent return of Monday the next week not so bitter, that and being run over by a bus.
PS: If i do in fact get run over by a bus, you have my permission to send this entry to one of those "Spooky Coincidences" websites, for people to "ooh" over and then run limbs flailing to the bedroom.
Jx

Blogs Away

Hey well this would be no surprise i guess, I have now become a blogger or blogee. It is getting on late Sunday night and i really should be having a shower and figuring out what side of the bed i am sleeping on.
But i am hammering away at the keyboard trying to put something on my blog before i am deemed boring by Blogger.com and banished to the moon or its cyber equivalent.
Suffice to say i am happy you are interested enough to read this..or this....or that whole last sentence about nothing but rest assured i shall write something that has some meaning and will literally change your life and all those who meet you, yes i am full of shit.
Anyhoo i will need to go now, but just a few things i like:
I like surf beachs, white chocolate, Chilli paste, clean towels, laughing, talking to myself in the bathroom, travel, eating very unhealthy things, falling for the wrong person, exercising like a lunatic, reading junk science books, my friends and writing
I will be updating this regularly, but dont expect a teenage girl like diary. I dont say dreamy and I dont meet many quarterbacks called Billy.
Chat soon and have a good night
James x