I have been asked alot lately why I am not "getting out there", dating wise. I am not really sure how to answer this, cause to be honest...I do not know why.
I was sitting about last night thinking I have let that part of my life pass me by for about a year. Simply put, I don't have the emotional energy or confidence for it. Its hard to admit that you have had your fingers burnt, so its even tougher to realise you have to let your singed digits heal and put on your party pants, cause you not going to meet someone hanging around the refrigerator on a Friday night.
Sigh, that is SOOO much more easily said than done. I have had an internal crisis about the meat market ever since I hit the the demographic of 30 - 39 this year. It has been tough rectifying that I need to try and get out again, with the fact I am so put off by the hysteria and overall shallowness of the gay scene.
I am not ashamed of admitting I am looking for something more meaningful than dirty sheets and a quick awkward coffee next morning. I resent being made to feel that way when faced with gob smacking bed hopping, as with my last BF, who was honestly surprised that I wanted to end our relationship when he told me he wanted to "know" other people while "knowing" me at the same time.
That hurt alot, still does as it came hard on the heals of a previous bad breakup. Though I can now see the events that have made me the reticent and rather unsure person I am now. I don't want to be like this and am trying to inch out there. But I don't see that I should be out whoring it up just cause I can, and that to me is the great contradiction of Gay life. Men sleep about because they can, not because they think whether they should, but because of the "Caligula-esque" temptation of seeing if someone better comes along. I dont want another guy who is looking over my shoudler while talking to me, to see may be walking in the door. The condratiction is blinding when many of my plutonic gay friends seem slightly sad and rather haunted by this mirror ball gilded cage they are locked into or are confronted with.
Men will be men, and gay men can access sex without strings. Which I am sure straight men would be doing if no-strings sex was easy for woman. But I can't afford to ruin myself being a town bike, and as I found out recently with an HIV scare, the risks are to high to your health if you are not careful.
So does that explain my hang ups, probably not, as we all need to push ourselves out there after we get banged about a bit. But what to do when the flesh is willing but the heart is chicken shit.
I was sitting about last night thinking I have let that part of my life pass me by for about a year. Simply put, I don't have the emotional energy or confidence for it. Its hard to admit that you have had your fingers burnt, so its even tougher to realise you have to let your singed digits heal and put on your party pants, cause you not going to meet someone hanging around the refrigerator on a Friday night.
Sigh, that is SOOO much more easily said than done. I have had an internal crisis about the meat market ever since I hit the the demographic of 30 - 39 this year. It has been tough rectifying that I need to try and get out again, with the fact I am so put off by the hysteria and overall shallowness of the gay scene.
I am not ashamed of admitting I am looking for something more meaningful than dirty sheets and a quick awkward coffee next morning. I resent being made to feel that way when faced with gob smacking bed hopping, as with my last BF, who was honestly surprised that I wanted to end our relationship when he told me he wanted to "know" other people while "knowing" me at the same time.
That hurt alot, still does as it came hard on the heals of a previous bad breakup. Though I can now see the events that have made me the reticent and rather unsure person I am now. I don't want to be like this and am trying to inch out there. But I don't see that I should be out whoring it up just cause I can, and that to me is the great contradiction of Gay life. Men sleep about because they can, not because they think whether they should, but because of the "Caligula-esque" temptation of seeing if someone better comes along. I dont want another guy who is looking over my shoudler while talking to me, to see may be walking in the door. The condratiction is blinding when many of my plutonic gay friends seem slightly sad and rather haunted by this mirror ball gilded cage they are locked into or are confronted with.
Men will be men, and gay men can access sex without strings. Which I am sure straight men would be doing if no-strings sex was easy for woman. But I can't afford to ruin myself being a town bike, and as I found out recently with an HIV scare, the risks are to high to your health if you are not careful.
So does that explain my hang ups, probably not, as we all need to push ourselves out there after we get banged about a bit. But what to do when the flesh is willing but the heart is chicken shit.
