I was out last night as a mate from Los Angeles was out and we went to this Brazilian Party at Slide which was out of control, i had not been out of the scene for ages so i took the opportunity of Mardi Gras and the people it brings out of the woodwork. I really did not see anyone, but I felt really quite sad at one point.
Thinking "here i am again, still single and searching a room for a face". Not that there is anything wrong with it but i felt like the past few months have taken to me to a place in my head, that I feel a bit odd being back in a crowded room feeling like i am 'hookering' myself to a potential somebody. Once again I am over analysing this, as always, I feel like i am the healthiest and most confident I have been in years, so I really want to a relationship to stuff that up again? My friend Robert asked if i was single to which i muttered yes into my maxi sized G&T, "Ahhhh" he said, "That's why you look so good. Being in a relationship ages you". I am not entirely confident with this statement as he has been through about 5 relationships since I met him and he still looks the same age. I have had one major and a few short brain fart relationships and now feel cyrogenically frozen with a sign around my neck 'to be thawed out when he finds a nice guy'. Am I bad to hope he hurries up as winter is coming and its cold in my freezer.
How come I become so deflated by a room full of people? Maybe I am just a person who will never meet anyone. I know i just said the love equivalent of the C word in church, but they must exist, yet they are these people are not spoken of, like tax loop holes and dandruff on shoulders. I guess to think that you possibly could never meet someone scares the hell out of us, it drags up images of dying alone with a plate of roast pork on your lap in some dive and not being found for 6 months. So understandably it is better to ignore the fact. I'd rather eyeball it and see what i am scared off, then maybe it won't be anything to fear after that. That's not quite working yet...