10 years ago this week, I left New Zealand to embark on my life overseas. It seems so very far away when I look back over that time, being a rather green Kiwi kid hoping off the jet in Amsterdam, journal and a rather anorexic wallet in hand. It’s crazy to think about all the concepts and values I held dear when I left and what has shifted and what has become a priority or a moot point. Early on in my trip I came out, which provided to be the biggest single hurdle I have faced in the way I considered myself and my place in the world. Everything that occurred after was effected to some degree, it was like having a thick heavy carpet being pulled off your head and taking a long time to get use to the light in the swirl of dust. I went from being very happy to being very low, a seesaw of emotions and introspection that must have made me seem insular and goofy.
My hunt for a career path and a goal for the future saw me focus on setting myself on a path to greater possibilities, this occur with its own battles. Interning in magazines where they would rather step on your foot rather than acknowledge your existence by stopping, late nights of the service industry, which lead to temptations that come with a somewhat inverted lifestyle going to bed at 5am and waking at 3pm. I kind of look back on those days with a lonely kind of nostalgia, the hard work and the mini dramas that seemed so serious and all consuming.
I have succeed in some ways, and failed in others. I am still single and never had a thought I would be at 31. I assumed I would have someone special when I went through life’s biggest ups and downs, but does that make me a weaker or stronger person for doing it alone?
One thing I do miss, is the fearless way I went about approaching love and relationships. I use to throw myself into these situations, strike up conversations with anyone, fly to other countries all in the name of finding someone special. How can confidence grow with certain things but reduce with others. You would think time would make you more savvy with partners. Skipping forward and now I have met someone who considers some attention, and I am doubting myself and every hiccup is inspected with CSI detail. Because of this I am now concerned that I have damaged things with the first person in 4 years I have had an interest in, but if you ask me what I think I did. I am not so sure, I just feel I have ruined it.
My hunt for a career path and a goal for the future saw me focus on setting myself on a path to greater possibilities, this occur with its own battles. Interning in magazines where they would rather step on your foot rather than acknowledge your existence by stopping, late nights of the service industry, which lead to temptations that come with a somewhat inverted lifestyle going to bed at 5am and waking at 3pm. I kind of look back on those days with a lonely kind of nostalgia, the hard work and the mini dramas that seemed so serious and all consuming.
I have succeed in some ways, and failed in others. I am still single and never had a thought I would be at 31. I assumed I would have someone special when I went through life’s biggest ups and downs, but does that make me a weaker or stronger person for doing it alone?
One thing I do miss, is the fearless way I went about approaching love and relationships. I use to throw myself into these situations, strike up conversations with anyone, fly to other countries all in the name of finding someone special. How can confidence grow with certain things but reduce with others. You would think time would make you more savvy with partners. Skipping forward and now I have met someone who considers some attention, and I am doubting myself and every hiccup is inspected with CSI detail. Because of this I am now concerned that I have damaged things with the first person in 4 years I have had an interest in, but if you ask me what I think I did. I am not so sure, I just feel I have ruined it.
What is that?? A friend told me you have to watch what you play out in your head as they could end up happening. But could it be I am looking for problems where there are none? Can I create my own hell when I should be happy?
I am not sure what I am scared of, being dumped for someone buffer, smarter, dumber, younger, older, richer or hotter? These things have already happened in the past, why am I still scared.
How funny it is that just a few weeks ago I was so sure of myself and happy that I was a person I could like and now I doubt every thought and move.
The guy travels a fair bit, has a place in the country and is there a fair bit doing renovations, so it has proved a bit hard to stay in contact when I he is away. This I sometimes construe as a lack of interest and work myself up into a tornado-like whizz of hysteria.
I am still trying to iron myself out, as I am in serious potential of losing my shit and ruining something new. I need to figure how to sort myself. Keep busy though, keep my fingers busy and away from the phone. Maybe a dried pasta hobby or miniature basket weaving. It’s so hard, as I though these things were supposed to be easy, but it’s seems the greatest struggle you have in life is not with anyone else but with yourself and your own cruel confidence killers.
That aside I still hold true to the I guess I have always had an idea about love. Maybe idea is not right, an imagined analogy seems more apt.
I see myself walking through life, like walking down a path, and every now and then I pass someone who has meant something to me, and as I walk I half expect them to stop. Take a moment. So far most of them have kept on walking. So I kept going, sure in the fact I would meet someone, that one day someone would make me want to stand still for a while. I feel that way now, I have stopped, now all my nail biting is waiting for them to stop walking too.
I am still hopeful this will happen, sometime.
