"Have you seen these people?"
Have you noticed that smoking has become the new social faux pas, these days you more likely to see people sparking up next to a garbage bin in the rape alley behind the bar, or hiding furtively by a tree trying to garner as little attention as possible whilst flaming their death sticks. Remember not so long ago smokers actually proudly lit up in bars, threatening to singe your clothing, set fire to your hair and dry up your lungs. I for one am glad I don’t come home anymore smelling like I have been sleeping in an ashtray since last Tuesday and I find it much more helpful that I no longer wake up in the morning to find a yellow burn hole in my new shirt made by some shitfaced overtly gesticulating Emo.
But since the new laws have come in, smokers are the persona non grata for a new millennium, like door to door salesmen and those party poopers over at the binge drinking council. Every morning I am frightened by what I think is a bloody thirsty meth addict hiding in a fire escape about to stab me with a Bic ballpoint pen, but when I look I discover they are just your average office workers getting their fix before a big day. It’s unnerving and kind of sad, why not give up?
I know it’s easy for me to blab on about giving up, wah wah. But it’s true, admit it people…almost everyone started smoking cause it looked cool not because they actually like the taste of carbonized chemicals flooding their lungs. Now smoking if def not cool and your now a social pariah, the old drunk on the street who wet his pants and is dancing to “Let’s get physical” has a lot more street cred than your average smoker. Don’t even get me started on the sex thing, My friend Adrian has made it clear several times that as soon as you see someone hot smoke, they slip waaaay down rungs on the ‘Come and Do-Me ladder’.
Let’s put aside - if you can - the stinky breath, yellow fingers, the cats bum mouth pucker and lips that taste like Chernobyl Organic Veges. Who wants to date someone who is fully prepared to cough up (literally even) for cigarettes that are getting more and more expensive, that’s money they could spend on flowers and dancing monkeys for me. Also I would like a partner who won’t burn the sheets, burn me and could drop dead from black lung at any moment. Also you will save money by not having your partner turbo steam cleaned with the furnishings when your parents come over.
That’s going in the too hard basket. I prefer to keep my addictions perfect and normal - like drinking, eating butter sticks and hookering.
