The most horrible invention ever!

In the words of South Park's Sheila Broflovski "What, What, What!!???"

This particular invention to make poopy time more 'fun' for your children, has me just convulsing in horror. Seriously people.. toilet training your kid must be horrid enough (just imagine the stained wallpaper and dead house plants) without inserting a piece of plastic into you child. You are just asking for ultimate nursing home revenge in say 40 years. To see the horror in stereo go here: http://turdtwister.com/

Whats next? Chocolate-log flume ride? Diarrhea beaded necklace maker?

I need to go poke the mental images from my skull with a heated kniting needle now.

How many did you cross off this weekend?

The New South Wales Office of Liquor and Gaming have released a very useful list of signs of drunkenness over the weekend. Its incredibly illuminating and utterly useless. what they going to do? laminate it and stick it in the toilets so you can check every time you go for a slash, to see if your drunk yet. Check yourself on this list. I got about 13 now, and I am sober and at work. What a load of tosh.

You are drunk if you are experiencing or have experienced:
1. Slurring words

2. Rambling or unintelligible conversation

3. Incoherent or muddled speech

4. Loss of train of thought

5. Not understanding normal conversation

6. Difficulty in paying attention

7. Unsteady on feet

8. Swaying uncontrollably

9. Staggering

10. Difficulting walking straight

11. Cannot stand or falling down

12. Stumbling

13. Bumping into or knocking over furniture and people

14. Lack of co-ordination

15. Spilling drinks

16. Dropping drinks

17. Fumbling change

18. Difficulty counting money or paying

19. Difficulty opening doors

20. Inability to find one's mouth with a glass

21. Rudeness

22. Aggression

23. Belligerent

24. Argumentative

25. Offensive

26. Bad tempered

27. Physically violent

28. Loud or boisterous

29. Confused

30. Disorderly

31. Exuberance

32. Using offensive language

33. Annoying or pestering others

34. Overly friendly

35. Loss of inhibition

36. Inappropriate sexual advances

37. Drowsiness or sleeping at a bar or table

38. Vomiting

39. Drinking rapidly

40. Reading Lists to find out if one is drunk or not

Scary. No words needed

Ok words are indeed needed....Bindi the Doll from Hell talks too! Says things like "Lets go rescue some wildlife", "Is that a Galah in your dunny?', "Come on guys lets poke a Croc with a didgeridoo" and "Watch me sing and dance while I scare the world with my dead DEAD EYES!"

When you're alone, and life is making you lonely You can always go....to a cuddle party!?

Forget Downtown, when you can go to a party and hug strangers for three and a half hours. Nothing naughty, just flannies and an ambrosia salad. The website describes a Cuddle Party as:
"A Cuddle Party is an event for adults to get together and explore affectionate touch and communication without it becoming sexualized. At these events, we create the safe space to talk about and explore what our needs are as adults when it comes to affection, intimacy and welcomed touch" ooooooookaaay...

Don't believe me look at the website.

Healthy or not?

Right you see I am confused, last night bundled in my PJ's the SBS news told me that Australia was one of the healthiest countries on Earth and people live now some 40% longer than sometime other than now. Great! I was just about to jump off the couch and have a hand full of icing sugar when I thought I would switch and see what those crazy kids on the ABC were up too. They said that Australia was 'Drunker, Fatter and more diseased' than ever before. They get the same press kit? Somebodies poor PR intern mucked up bad, 'Oh I was supposed to send, like, the UN-diseased press pack? oopsy'. So the ABC, who I always imagined as a wise old woman in a rocking chair who loves cream on everything and watching man o man repeats, said Aussies are huge binge drinkers, are bustling belt sizes nationally and...have more STD's than ever before. Cripes but I think that might having something to do with the binge drinking, beer goggles anyone?

Oh ma, I don't know who to believe. One one hand I want to go out and have that extra piece of garlic bread, the other hand I want to have my stomach stapled and walk around in a vacuum packed coverall from Glad. So to calm my nerves I consulted the daily oracle, not Perez Hilton, SMH.com.au. They said both, and I paraphrase:"Congrats Australia your healthier than a while back, but your still fat, have more chance of dieing of nasty things like cancer and heart disease. There is still a 17 year gap between indigenous people and non indigenous peoples lifespans. Don't even get us started on whats down ya pants!" OK so that's not really good news is it...

Also here is a picture of a strange handbag I found on google images. Is it just me or does that black powder puff have glowing pink eyes?! Creeeeepy!

Abby Cornish - Sexiest Vegetarian 2008 Woot Woot!

So Abby Cornish won, the sexiest vegetarian of 2008 award from PETA in the Hunter Valley last night and I could not be happier, considering I have never heard of this prize and wondering what the point was. I have no problem with vegetarians, but I am risking a masked beetroot attack tonight by saying I think this is the oddest award I have ever heard of. Apparently competition was tight for this coveted crown, supposedly made out of lima beans, turnips and a large fennel bush. Abby fought off the best of the vego mafia including John Butler and Missy Higgins as well as those single letter last name entertainers Andrew G and Jackie O, to take home the world’s first edible award.

Tens of thousands of people voted for sexiest vegetarian, I obviously missed that invite. I believe the other categories were, Happiest Pumpkin Grower, Nicest Cat Owner and my favourite, Rescuer of tubular fruit from sexual harassment and vilification. I believe people where elbowing each other to get to the Banquet, which was a sumptuous spread of pumpernickel bread and twig salad. I also hear things got really crazy after too many wheat grass shots and they headed off to Newtown to harass poor old ladies who still use plastic shopping bags.
Congrats Abby!

Emotional Russian roulette anyone?

Don't care what people think? I dare you to try http://www.facestat.com/, this is Hot or Not from hell. FaceStat lets you up load images of yourself and then other people post comments and opinions on your picture. Random strangers judge your looks, intelligence, political leanings, if you are drunk or not as well as your ability to win fights with house pets. These opinions are then pasted on your face like one of those 'glue and newspaper' primary school social studies projects. Facestat explains "Within a couple hours, you will have detailed statistics about how people feel about the picture you provide. It's like market research for the individual." I am quite certain I do not need that much information or 'research' on myself. If anyone has the moxie to take on Facestat, please let me know. I will provide a hot cup of bovril and a shoulder to cry on if need be.

Old friend and cow sex.

I was just reading an online news piece before i bugger off home, about a US high court judge who had been busted putting porngraphic pictures online of women dressed like cows and men romping with turned on farm yard animals, (if you are more interested in that story than this one click here) and a picture of my old school friend Barnie popped up in an ad. so funny! I saw him in the TV ad but did not expect to see his face in the middle of beastiality trial news story!