The Bride and The Crisco

..No we bloody well can't!

So I heard this funny story from my boss of all people last week and had to share.

His sister in law to be, at the time, was preparing for her wedding to my bosses brother. One of the prep items was to bake the Wedding Cake and one ingredient the cake called for was Crisco Shortening. If you don’t know what shortening is, it is essentially rendered vegetable fat in its purest state. You use it for such gastronomic treats like coco-pop crispies and other gastric horrors. It fell out of favour in cooking for some time when people wished not to have heart attacks at the age of 8. All those dead children were just a hassle and blocked up the garden sprinklers. Anyhoo our bride skipped off to David Jones, providers of all type of poshy noshy to buy 20 packets of Crisco.

Unfortunately David Jones was bare of fat slabs, but before the bride reached for the Sara Lee mix a rather helpful clerk whispered to her she could purchase Crisco at an alternate location, a rather comely place in the gay ghetto…called Toolshed. It was demonstrated through whiteboards and a laser pointer to the Bride that some men of the man loving type, rather enjoyed nothing other than inviting a chum over for peach schnapps, Golden Girls reruns and shoving their hands up each other bottoms. This past time, known as ‘fisting’ required a lot of slippery assistance to get a big ole man hand up ya backtrack. Obviously a bottle of whiskey and a mallet to the head won’t suffice and the most popular access ‘assistant’ was our humble Crisco Shortening.

So with some glee the bride ran off to Toolshed, where you can buy all kinds of delights like hardcore Belgian cat porn and dildos of all shapes and sizes it would would not be out of place in some Mardi Gras version of “It’s a small world after all”, but judging by the sizes you can buy it would be more of “It’s a sore world after all”. The wise Bride called ahead to make sure they had spare Crisco, it was a Saturday anyway. So bounding up the stairs she found 20 blocks of Crisco were awaiting her next to what she called ‘A very well stock S&M section”. All was sorted, the bride was able to make her cake for the wedding and all was good, the cake was delicious and no one’s bowels were relocated to their brain.

But I can’t help but think of people eating the cake when all of a sudden they are finding they have swallowed their entire hand to the elbow and did not know it. ‘How did that get in there’, let alone if you dropped a piece and slid on it. You could slip all the way to New Zealand.

Headline of the millennium - hands down

No words needed.
For the full article go here

Mittens is …having a s**t.

Oh the collective squeal is apparent for cat fetishists everywhere, after years of gazing into their cats eyes and wondering what lays beneath that nonchalant gaze…now you can know. Sony have just released a product which is Twitter for cats, the Cat@Log.

The Sony spokeswhore says “Hoping to tap the lucrative Twitter fan-cat lover crossover market, Sony has released a collar that gives cat owners constant updates on their moggies' movements.” How exciting, now I can know when Mr. Squiggles is about to shred my couch or spray my shoes. Rolled up newspapers at the ready!

My question is does it really say what the cats up to? Will it articulate at 2am that your cats shagging the neighbors moggie, or eating a rat or about to get hit by a mini cooper? I am not sure how many times I want to be updated that the cats kneading my chest painfully and pulling apart my jumper whilst doing so.

I would love if this device actually said what the cat was thinking, but you would probably find out your cat wished you went out more and found some people friends and stopped buying it stupid gadgets. What would you do if you found out your cat hated you? I would think the violin factories would be doing a roaring trade after that invention.

Oh well better go, have to go ask the cat how to use the stereo.

Bleeding Lip

When Klutzy Met Cracky

God, Leona Lewis needs to wrap herself in padding or somewhat, as she is most injury prone singer I has known. And I has known none!

Today, Leona fell down an elevator shaft on stage. Apparently she was fine, if not a bit shafted - tee hee. But this is that latest in a series of accidents the poor dear has experienced. This year she was headbutted by a horse, yes a horse! And punched in the face by a fan, who must not have liked her remix of Bleeding Love, whist at a book signing in 2009.

I am sorry but I laughed after reading this, what hysterically bad luck. I bet she is fun to have around, tripping over cats and getting comically wedged in the laundry shoot with a bucket stuck on her head.

Nudist crushes spiders house, Spider bites Man's willy.

"Forget the flies, show me the spam javelin"

Damn don't mess with a kiwi spider, especially when your naked butt crushes its house. As a Canadian tourist found after he took a nudie swim in the far north and then fell asleep on a cozy sand dune.

Problem is NZ sand dunes are high density apartments living for upwardly mobile Katipos spiders, the only poisonous animal in the country. Bum Luck...haw haw..see what i did there? Anyway, the Canuck awoke with a swollen pee pee, severe headaches and vomiting. Sounds like a the result of a night at a backpacker bar with a German girl called Helga to me.

See the full story here, fanks SMH.com.au

This is apparently the first case of a Katipo causing such a bad reaction, as they usually spend most their time knitting and watching re-runs of Kiwi Idol not biting tourists pork swords. Charlottes Web this is not.

Lady spider must have had a bitch pill that day. Anyhoo hope the moose lover feels better soon.

Oh dear maybe thats where i am going wrong...

From Engrish

BAAAAAHHAHAAAAHAAAAAAA!

LEGO MADONNA!!

Beached in New Zeelund

Love this, makes me homesick a tad. Very funny

How many did you cross off this weekend?

The New South Wales Office of Liquor and Gaming have released a very useful list of signs of drunkenness over the weekend. Its incredibly illuminating and utterly useless. what they going to do? laminate it and stick it in the toilets so you can check every time you go for a slash, to see if your drunk yet. Check yourself on this list. I got about 13 now, and I am sober and at work. What a load of tosh.

You are drunk if you are experiencing or have experienced:
1. Slurring words

2. Rambling or unintelligible conversation

3. Incoherent or muddled speech

4. Loss of train of thought

5. Not understanding normal conversation

6. Difficulty in paying attention

7. Unsteady on feet

8. Swaying uncontrollably

9. Staggering

10. Difficulting walking straight

11. Cannot stand or falling down

12. Stumbling

13. Bumping into or knocking over furniture and people

14. Lack of co-ordination

15. Spilling drinks

16. Dropping drinks

17. Fumbling change

18. Difficulty counting money or paying

19. Difficulty opening doors

20. Inability to find one's mouth with a glass

21. Rudeness

22. Aggression

23. Belligerent

24. Argumentative

25. Offensive

26. Bad tempered

27. Physically violent

28. Loud or boisterous

29. Confused

30. Disorderly

31. Exuberance

32. Using offensive language

33. Annoying or pestering others

34. Overly friendly

35. Loss of inhibition

36. Inappropriate sexual advances

37. Drowsiness or sleeping at a bar or table

38. Vomiting

39. Drinking rapidly

40. Reading Lists to find out if one is drunk or not

Spiders and Drugs

I wanty wanty wanty 2

I feel as office supplies go, the more crass or stylish the better it is for the entire universe. Well by universe i mean, office and by entire i mean, me. This ticks both boxes. Today i continued my lunchtime hunt for things i will buy when I go overseas, which is now longer than a Peter Jackson movie, i saw this brilliant all-in-one office thingee. Called The Butt Station, the Urban Outfitters site says "This really puts the "ass" in "businass!" and continues to say "The Butt Station is perfect for any desk, keeping you smiling and organized! Includes a tape dispenser with metal cutter, pen and business card holders and a toilet paper clip compartment with magnetic butt for easy retrieval. Imported. Wipe clean." Ewww.

RAFW wrap party

jeez, a bit worse for wear today. had the RAFW wrap party last night and am a little ragged at the edges. but it was a great party and guess who ended up on the walls of the party? see pics. had my pic taken on Monday then get to the party and i see someone quite familiar staring back at me. so funny.

How not to work out...