I Goty Goty Goty!

This morning this baby arrived for me. I have been fingering it all day long. Its brilliant, i love it. i need to take a moment and put my head between my knees.

Beached in New Zeelund

Love this, makes me homesick a tad. Very funny

Almost here.

oooo. oooo. Can't talk. Me needy to see. Batman. NOW! *deep breath, foot stamp and bottom lip sticking out* Apparently it is amazing and Ledger is utterly mind blowing as The Joker in The Dark Knight. It will be very strange to watch him and think he is dead. I hear that posthumous Oscar talk is starting to mount for him. Sad but a fitting tribute.

Let Jesus-a-looza commence

World Youth Day has plopped finally into Sydney, much to the collective sighs of most residents. Firstly the word day is a bit wrong, last time I looked 'day' was a 24 hour hour period and not 5 days. So World Youth Week already got off on the wrong foot with me, today the trains were more messed up than usual, apparently due to lost American Christians wearing "Jesus is cool, so you be too" tees holding up trains while they ask a train map where 'Bandi Beach' is.

Wishing I could run from the city to avoid all related Pope-mania. Things are set to become much worse, as apparently this weekend is where it will all come to a tambourine smashing conclusion with over a million people expected to disco with the Pope in Randwick. Thousands of Sydney-siders will need to walk to get places as most streets in a six suburb radius will be closed so the faithful can shuffle to the site.

I will avoid my evils of organised religion diatribe this time as I think I could be arrested under the newly enforced "annoying" laws past by the state government. The "annoying' law mean that anyone wearing a tee shirt that can be offensive (aka: freedom of speech), acting inappropriately (aka: right to protest) and behaving in an embarrassing fashion to Sydney (anyone that is not straight, white and religious) can be spirited off to detention for the period of the 'day'. The funny thing is no one from World Youth Day, The Police Force or the NSW govt will own up to asking for these draconian laws to be adopted.

Oh how lovely. Best keep your anti-pope/Jesus-a-looza thoughts under your lion cloth for the next few days and leave your "God who?" t-shirts at home or you will be smoted by the local cops.

UPDATE: The annoyance laws have been overturned in a NSW court who have declared " the annoyance clause was invalid because it could not have been the intention of Parliament to make such vague and extensive limits to free speech". See here

Govt to scare underage drinkers straight

Not really, this is the new tourist 'experience' from the new Darwin theme park, Crocasaurus Cove. Looks rather pants crappingly exciting, I would try it. According to local redneck chip shop owner, 'Choppa' the croc packs a whoppa of a punch when approached. I find that easy to believe. I would think if I was lounging about in my hole wondering what dog I would eat for dinner when a large plastic beer jug containing a shrieking Japanese tourist dropped on my head, I would give it a hell of a whack to see if something chewy or dead fell out. How long before Pamela Anderson turns up in hotpants to rescue Chopper?

How many did you cross off this weekend?

The New South Wales Office of Liquor and Gaming have released a very useful list of signs of drunkenness over the weekend. Its incredibly illuminating and utterly useless. what they going to do? laminate it and stick it in the toilets so you can check every time you go for a slash, to see if your drunk yet. Check yourself on this list. I got about 13 now, and I am sober and at work. What a load of tosh.

You are drunk if you are experiencing or have experienced:
1. Slurring words

2. Rambling or unintelligible conversation

3. Incoherent or muddled speech

4. Loss of train of thought

5. Not understanding normal conversation

6. Difficulty in paying attention

7. Unsteady on feet

8. Swaying uncontrollably

9. Staggering

10. Difficulting walking straight

11. Cannot stand or falling down

12. Stumbling

13. Bumping into or knocking over furniture and people

14. Lack of co-ordination

15. Spilling drinks

16. Dropping drinks

17. Fumbling change

18. Difficulty counting money or paying

19. Difficulty opening doors

20. Inability to find one's mouth with a glass

21. Rudeness

22. Aggression

23. Belligerent

24. Argumentative

25. Offensive

26. Bad tempered

27. Physically violent

28. Loud or boisterous

29. Confused

30. Disorderly

31. Exuberance

32. Using offensive language

33. Annoying or pestering others

34. Overly friendly

35. Loss of inhibition

36. Inappropriate sexual advances

37. Drowsiness or sleeping at a bar or table

38. Vomiting

39. Drinking rapidly

40. Reading Lists to find out if one is drunk or not

Scary. No words needed

Ok words are indeed needed....Bindi the Doll from Hell talks too! Says things like "Lets go rescue some wildlife", "Is that a Galah in your dunny?', "Come on guys lets poke a Croc with a didgeridoo" and "Watch me sing and dance while I scare the world with my dead DEAD EYES!"

Yippie Skippie! News

Soz about me not updating this for a few days buuuuuuut, I bagged myself a grand promotion! I have been shifted to be the 2IC (don't ya love my corp speak) aka second in charge of the new lifestyle division for Saunders&Co, our sister company. So i will be working on a bit of beauty, bit of Fashion and a bit of lifestyle and I am working with a great team as well. Oh my it all makes my man-nips tingle. This has come as a huge surprise but a welcome one, I love a challenge... and a curry. I also received a rather generous pay increase so i wont be running out of loo paper anytime soon hopefully. Bar something totally left of centre happening my entire set of teeth falling out, being sued by Cher or Jodhi Meares showing up for work. Ooo topical. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

When you're alone, and life is making you lonely You can always go....to a cuddle party!?

Forget Downtown, when you can go to a party and hug strangers for three and a half hours. Nothing naughty, just flannies and an ambrosia salad. The website describes a Cuddle Party as:
"A Cuddle Party is an event for adults to get together and explore affectionate touch and communication without it becoming sexualized. At these events, we create the safe space to talk about and explore what our needs are as adults when it comes to affection, intimacy and welcomed touch" ooooooookaaay...

Don't believe me look at the website.

I Wanty Wanty Wanty 3

I have stopped hyperventilating now, so I can type the keyboard whilst I sip down a gin and prune smoothie to calm my nerves. Introducing the Nooka Zub, a glow in the dark watch made exclusively for the conclusion of the Kanye West 'Glow in the Dark' tour. The will only be, *deep breath and gulp* 15 made and Kanye himself will find most these babies a home on a spoilt wrist somewhere. What plop I say, surrrre there will be 15 now but then their will be 30 more, then 300 then ooh we set up a website selling theses babies and before I know it the homeless guy outside my building will be wearing one. He already has a taste for Missoni, kid you not.
Sigh, I am off to top up my smoothie and find another way to read time when I am locked in a bank vault.

Spiders and Drugs

Healthy or not?

Right you see I am confused, last night bundled in my PJ's the SBS news told me that Australia was one of the healthiest countries on Earth and people live now some 40% longer than sometime other than now. Great! I was just about to jump off the couch and have a hand full of icing sugar when I thought I would switch and see what those crazy kids on the ABC were up too. They said that Australia was 'Drunker, Fatter and more diseased' than ever before. They get the same press kit? Somebodies poor PR intern mucked up bad, 'Oh I was supposed to send, like, the UN-diseased press pack? oopsy'. So the ABC, who I always imagined as a wise old woman in a rocking chair who loves cream on everything and watching man o man repeats, said Aussies are huge binge drinkers, are bustling belt sizes nationally and...have more STD's than ever before. Cripes but I think that might having something to do with the binge drinking, beer goggles anyone?

Oh ma, I don't know who to believe. One one hand I want to go out and have that extra piece of garlic bread, the other hand I want to have my stomach stapled and walk around in a vacuum packed coverall from Glad. So to calm my nerves I consulted the daily oracle, not Perez Hilton, SMH.com.au. They said both, and I paraphrase:"Congrats Australia your healthier than a while back, but your still fat, have more chance of dieing of nasty things like cancer and heart disease. There is still a 17 year gap between indigenous people and non indigenous peoples lifespans. Don't even get us started on whats down ya pants!" OK so that's not really good news is it...

Also here is a picture of a strange handbag I found on google images. Is it just me or does that black powder puff have glowing pink eyes?! Creeeeepy!

Love Love Love!!

Went to Cut Copy on Saturday night care of my friends at Universal Music, and it was amazing! I love them. The set was so tight and kept the music charging for the entire set, only with a couple pauses to wipe the sweat away or guzzle a beer before the songs pick up the pace again. I was dancing non stop for the entire set. Wicked. They pretty much focused on the new album In Ghost Colours, with a couple of faves from Bright Like Neon Love. Just awesome!! Thanks so much to Kirsty and Corinne. Quite funny too, got propositioned by a teenage girl!

Abby Cornish - Sexiest Vegetarian 2008 Woot Woot!

So Abby Cornish won, the sexiest vegetarian of 2008 award from PETA in the Hunter Valley last night and I could not be happier, considering I have never heard of this prize and wondering what the point was. I have no problem with vegetarians, but I am risking a masked beetroot attack tonight by saying I think this is the oddest award I have ever heard of. Apparently competition was tight for this coveted crown, supposedly made out of lima beans, turnips and a large fennel bush. Abby fought off the best of the vego mafia including John Butler and Missy Higgins as well as those single letter last name entertainers Andrew G and Jackie O, to take home the world’s first edible award.

Tens of thousands of people voted for sexiest vegetarian, I obviously missed that invite. I believe the other categories were, Happiest Pumpkin Grower, Nicest Cat Owner and my favourite, Rescuer of tubular fruit from sexual harassment and vilification. I believe people where elbowing each other to get to the Banquet, which was a sumptuous spread of pumpernickel bread and twig salad. I also hear things got really crazy after too many wheat grass shots and they headed off to Newtown to harass poor old ladies who still use plastic shopping bags.
Congrats Abby!

Cut Copy. Me. Saturday!

I was at a disco party by my friend Oli and i got talking to her friend Kirsty who works at Universal Music and does the marketing for most of the Australian Electro bands i love. I started to ramble when i heard she did Cut Copy, I love their new Album In Ghost Colours and their old album too. Anyway she offered me a ticket to the sold out gig on Saturday and i literally ran screaming through the house.

I can't wait! Will let you know how it goes.....Jealous?

Button Up Rednecks!

After this horrific button was sold at the Republican Annual (Witch Hunt Against Every One We Hate or Deem Anti American Cause They Are Not Us) conference, I took a look at the Republican online shop. The http://www.republicanmarket.com/ has such teeth grind inducing horrors like "Life's a bitch so don't vote for one" and "Stand for our troops or stand in front of them". You can almost smell the gears burning at the republican spin factory to work themselves out of this one.

Check it out in all its redneck glory http://www.republicanmarket.com/store/cat/21.Buttons

Me Mum

I just found out that the investment company my Mum had invested a majority of her money in NZ has gone bust. It is so sad, she is understandably devastated by it. But in the midst of this she is still stoic saying it could have been worse and other people are worse off than her. Which is true she has an amazing property that will only appreciate in value no matter how stink economic outlooks get. But its just so hard to hear this happening to your Mum, i just want to fly home and give her a big hug and make her a cup of tea. I have sent a box of treats to make her feel better.

The outcome for the investment firm is not clear, they are in lock down and have to wait to see whether they dissolve the company and spread out the fund to investors or hold onto it and live to fight another day. Its all up to the vote, my Mum's as well. So SAD! I just want to cry for her, especially when she gave me the money for the tooth last week. I said i wanted to pay her back but she said for me to pay off my CC and sort out that.

Unfortunately this puts the house plans on permanent hold as my Mum was going to help me with this investment. She was apologetic but i said do not worry i just want to know she will be OK. I think she will be as she has always been a real estate maverick. But I love me Mum and it breaks my heart to think how bad she must be feeling.

UPDATE: Mum's feeling better now, things are not as bad compared to other stories i have read. The company has gone into moratorium which means all the funds are locked until a decision on the company is made. Last word was Dominion was appealing for overseas investors to bail out the company, then a meeting will be called to vote on the next steps. Chances are Mum will get her initial investment back, but nothing extra.

Sex and the Shitty

My tanturm looked very similar to this.

I have been holding back seeing the movie version as the utter estrogenically charged mania surrounding it made me frankly a bit scared for the safety of my testicles. I loved the series but was slightly apprehensive of the movie version, but after talking to several of my female friends who (in between their foaming mouth corners and scratching past me with red nails to rebook tickets) told me it 'Tooootally' is worth seeing. Now all my friends have seen it and the one person i was going to see it with, has downloaded it! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! So now either I have to go alone and look like a utter loser or wait for the DVD and look like a bigger loser renting it on a Saturday night. Gawd.

I wanty wanty wanty 2

I feel as office supplies go, the more crass or stylish the better it is for the entire universe. Well by universe i mean, office and by entire i mean, me. This ticks both boxes. Today i continued my lunchtime hunt for things i will buy when I go overseas, which is now longer than a Peter Jackson movie, i saw this brilliant all-in-one office thingee. Called The Butt Station, the Urban Outfitters site says "This really puts the "ass" in "businass!" and continues to say "The Butt Station is perfect for any desk, keeping you smiling and organized! Includes a tape dispenser with metal cutter, pen and business card holders and a toilet paper clip compartment with magnetic butt for easy retrieval. Imported. Wipe clean." Ewww.

New Front Tooth

"I can suck a straw and talk as well!"

Finally, after 2 and half months and nearly $4000 spent on ONE tooth, i have a brand new front tooth and it looks......amazing.

It is difficult to describe but it looks so real i would not even know, even the gum looks healthy. jeez what an episode, which i would not have been able to do so fast if my mum did not fork up half the $$ for the treatment.

I tells ya, dental care should be more subsided in this country. I am just lucky i could afford do something about it.

Anyway after weeks of chopping my food into bite sized chunks or chewing away from my front teeth (which is very hard, try it!) i christened my new chomper on a ham and cheese sandwich. Hardly a glam unit but still was the best sandwich i have had in ages. My dentist (who does Miss Australia and Craig Wing) said i can pretty much eat anything bar biting ice cubes and watch apples. who bites ices with their front teeth???

Hopefully the dramatic teeth chapter of my life is closed for a few years now.