Grottiest Flat Ever!

Jeez words can't describe, the state this flat is in. Apparently two cats are lost, feared dead (or buried) under all this crap. Just wait till you see the toilet! PUKE www.buymydump.com

Music to say "F%$K You" to

Aaah were would we be without that angry break up song to get you going in the morn. Probably still crying in the shower rubbing soap into your eyes. But we are not, any way here are my recommendations for some "get bent you fool" songs. They work and make you run like a mutha on the treadmill:

Tears dry on their own – Amy Winehouse
Hung Up / Sorry / Nobody Knows Me - Madonna
I Don’t Give A Fuck - Peaches
What goes around comes around – Justin Timberlake
Wheel – John Mayer
I Don’t Think So - Kelis
Say it right – Nelly Furtado
Handle Me - Robyn
Kiss You off – Sister Sisters
Don’t Get You – Sneaky Sound System
No Regrets – Robbie Williams
Far From Home - Tiga

WORK!

Working Working, is a good trick to get over a rubbish man. You may feel like laying down on train tracks and chewing live electrical wires, but NO i would rather put on my new $2000 hot suit and go out and work, while looking hot. Did I mention i looked hot? So I say "go on and stuff yourself you silly man, i am amazing with church bells on, and hot". Anyhoo, back on track... Last night was a proper good example of beavering away. We successfully pulled of a launch last night for our client Jurlique and their amazing Bondi Beach Concept Store. The event went really well, considering it was a Monday, in Bondi and horror weather was threatening. It was a quite long day and I was relieved though to crawl home into my trackies and eat pizza watching a disaster movie. PS: starting looking at flats, have a viewing tomorrow. Let you know how that goes.

Pics care of our mate: Kris Baum www.krisbaum.com

BAAAAAHHAHAAAAHAAAAAAA!

LEGO MADONNA!!

Work it or loose it

I think its universally agreed that when your personal life suddenly turns to compost, you turn to distractions. Rather hookers or drugs. I am throwing myself into work.

Here is some images from a recent client summer shoot I produced, hope you like.

The Idea

10 years ago this week, I left New Zealand to embark on my life overseas. It seems so very far away when I look back over that time, being a rather green Kiwi kid hoping off the jet in Amsterdam, journal and a rather anorexic wallet in hand. It’s crazy to think about all the concepts and values I held dear when I left and what has shifted and what has become a priority or a moot point. Early on in my trip I came out, which provided to be the biggest single hurdle I have faced in the way I considered myself and my place in the world. Everything that occurred after was effected to some degree, it was like having a thick heavy carpet being pulled off your head and taking a long time to get use to the light in the swirl of dust. I went from being very happy to being very low, a seesaw of emotions and introspection that must have made me seem insular and goofy.

My hunt for a career path and a goal for the future saw me focus on setting myself on a path to greater possibilities, this occur with its own battles. Interning in magazines where they would rather step on your foot rather than acknowledge your existence by stopping, late nights of the service industry, which lead to temptations that come with a somewhat inverted lifestyle going to bed at 5am and waking at 3pm. I kind of look back on those days with a lonely kind of nostalgia, the hard work and the mini dramas that seemed so serious and all consuming.
I have succeed in some ways, and failed in others. I am still single and never had a thought I would be at 31. I assumed I would have someone special when I went through life’s biggest ups and downs, but does that make me a weaker or stronger person for doing it alone?

One thing I do miss, is the fearless way I went about approaching love and relationships. I use to throw myself into these situations, strike up conversations with anyone, fly to other countries all in the name of finding someone special. How can confidence grow with certain things but reduce with others. You would think time would make you more savvy with partners. Skipping forward and now I have met someone who considers some attention, and I am doubting myself and every hiccup is inspected with CSI detail. Because of this I am now concerned that I have damaged things with the first person in 4 years I have had an interest in, but if you ask me what I think I did. I am not so sure, I just feel I have ruined it.

What is that?? A friend told me you have to watch what you play out in your head as they could end up happening. But could it be I am looking for problems where there are none? Can I create my own hell when I should be happy?

I am not sure what I am scared of, being dumped for someone buffer, smarter, dumber, younger, older, richer or hotter? These things have already happened in the past, why am I still scared.

How funny it is that just a few weeks ago I was so sure of myself and happy that I was a person I could like and now I doubt every thought and move.
The guy travels a fair bit, has a place in the country and is there a fair bit doing renovations, so it has proved a bit hard to stay in contact when I he is away. This I sometimes construe as a lack of interest and work myself up into a tornado-like whizz of hysteria.

I am still trying to iron myself out, as I am in serious potential of losing my shit and ruining something new. I need to figure how to sort myself. Keep busy though, keep my fingers busy and away from the phone. Maybe a dried pasta hobby or miniature basket weaving. It’s so hard, as I though these things were supposed to be easy, but it’s seems the greatest struggle you have in life is not with anyone else but with yourself and your own cruel confidence killers.

That aside I still hold true to the I guess I have always had an idea about love. Maybe idea is not right, an imagined analogy seems more apt.
I see myself walking through life, like walking down a path, and every now and then I pass someone who has meant something to me, and as I walk I half expect them to stop. Take a moment. So far most of them have kept on walking. So I kept going, sure in the fact I would meet someone, that one day someone would make me want to stand still for a while. I feel that way now, I have stopped, now all my nail biting is waiting for them to stop walking too.

I am still hopeful this will happen, sometime.

Relationship - 101

I recently met someone who is quite different from anyone I have met before. Among being a kind, nice guy with a decent head on his shoulders. He seems to carry himself with a type of humanity and soul that makes me think he is something quite special. We have gone out a few times and each date has just been easy. By easy I mean, just relaxed and fun. No games, no ego. Just getting to know someone who is interesting, amazingly refreshing. It's hard, like i am starting from step one again. I have become so use to the games, that it takes me back when someone is game free. This has made me truly stop and pay attention. He is a Kiwi so that also explains his honest and laid back attitude. But the thing i am worried about is my own neurotic brain farts.

It is common for most people doubt themselves when they meet someone who turns their head, and after a couple years of career shifts, health scares, indifferent men and all the subsequent stresses and changes in focus as a result. His arrival comes at a time i feel the most together and certain of myself. But all that becomes shaken slightly when you doubt yourself especially in the presence of a new paramour, more so when he seems genuinely seems to be quite a find. To exercise these goblins I have to remind myself to believe in myself, and in what he sees in me. I also remind myself that relationships take time, and if he is worth as much I suspect he is, time is the best thing to iron out the creases from emotional upsets. So is love.

Regardless of the outcome of the present situation, it seems it is time for me to settle these old hurts to focus on a future where i can be happy, settled and have a person to share this with. The change begins with me.

My double life as a crime fighter

Jury duty has been quite a trial (ha get it?!), i have been serving the community, as a crime-fighter as my friend likes to call it, pretty much 5 days a week for 2 weeks now. Its hard going, we have to be at the court at 9am to be locked (yes locked) into a small room with one large table, no natural light and dehydrated coffee in polystyrene cups. We are  kept in this room for about 1.5 hours until we are called to the court by a kindhearted old sheriff who i think will have a heart attack each time he climbs the stairs. We stay in court for an hour and a half, listening to the meandering prosecution and the strutting and pompous defense lawyer, then its back to our den for morning tea. After 20 mins we are back in court till 1pm, where we break for lunch again in our rabbit hutch. Then comes 2pm we are back in court till 4pm. All this time we shuffle back and forth like drones, when ever the lawyers want to squabble about evidence and what not. Its all done at quite an irritatingly slow speed.

Not to say its not interesting, in the past week its really become quite absorbing, but to race home afterwards and try to do a full days work before i fall asleep is taking its toll. Luckily my boss is being super cool about this and had set me up with wireless remote desktop thingie for my laptop.

It seems this jury duty has come at a time when there is a natural lull in things before the spring summer crazy time. So that's a good thing, and once this is over (which is next week) i will be free for 5 years if not forever.

My follow jurors are quite a sight, most of them are quite lovely and very nice. But one has an opinion on everything from where the bullet proofed windows are made to the utterly interesting 100 differences between his Prius and his MX5. The term "going on" is sent to a strange new place orbiting the world Fat Mouth with this guy. You see peoples eyes glaze when he whines "well that's interesting you say that because..." Or "I grew up with his mother's dog's hair brush's toilet seat and they use to.." The other is Bobblehead, she is quite harmless and very sweet but you mention the Olympics and her head shakes like San Francisco in 1902. It does not help she has a voice like a corroded iron hinge. I am thinking peoples nuances become magnified by a trillion in such a pressure cooker environment, i have become positively mute most of the time, till i think Yappy has had too much airtime.

It is genuinely fun when the lawyers go for each other throats and the judge has to prize them apart like a primary school teacher in the school yard. It is also amazing when they get a principle witness, the last of which made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. 

I do look forward to having regular hours  again and not needing to go hide in the toilet for some quiet time.

Law and Disorder

Just when I thought I was back, Jury Duty has crept up on me like Gary Glitter in a Thai playground. I have been select for 3-4 weeks on a trial in the supreme court. Dang! Luckily I will be paid and my boss will top up my earnings so I am not out of pocket. Just a bit of a bugger as I have to work from home in the evenings, doing what i can.

But this case is a very short one in law-land and it may wrap before 4 weeks. Fingers crossed. I may not be able to talk about the case, but i can talk about my fellow jurors, one I have already nicknamed 'Bobblehead' because of the way her head moves when she talks.

Hopefully i can make some entries in this time, would not want for you (one person and a dog with wheels for legs) to miss out.

Springs Coming

I can smell it, I can see it in the eyes of small fluffy creatures, the fruit store owner and even in the eyes my boring flatmate (Who I only thought only looked forward to brushing her imaginary cat and the biweekly bible and bumper sticker mail-order catalogue).

Spring is a mere hop, skip and Brazilian wax away. Yes, we may still be shivering in our leathers and gazing enviously at the sizzling roast we just pulled from the oven, wishing our head be so golden brown, crispy and covered in rosemary and oil.

But in three weeks time I can consider wearing shorts and thinking about how translucent white skin will look when skipping to the shops for Beef Stock during the first spring day. Kind of like snow blindness in khaki. I have the new flip flops that I got as a gift at fashion week, staring up at me optimistically from under my bed, much alike a virgin at a strip bar.

I have already formed a mental list rivalling the dead sea scrolls of what I need to get my hairy little hands on for Summer. New bathers, check. New sunnies, check. Interesting but fun love affair, dream on. Funny thing about summer love, they are a lot like sunglasses. Very hard to find the right one, but so easily lost.

ok ok ok!

Let it be said, yes i have been AWOL for a good part of July. So sorry, but hey, no news is good news. No i have not been sequestered away in some jury room (i got excused BTW) or hit by some runaway trolley full of drag kings in Newtown. I have just been working hard and laying low. But i promise i am back and with that here is something utterly filthy and completely funny. I am gonna write up a storm for you my pretties, now where is my flying monkey quill and ink....

Its COLD!!!!!

My fingers are frozen to the clackboard its so cold. Took this pic of frigid Sydney on my iPhone. BRRRRRRRRRRRRR! I am off to stick my fingers up the dogs bum to get them warm.

Jury Duty

Dum DUM! I knew something was fishy when I was asked to confirm my address by the justice department. Either I was being subpoenaed or jury duty was looming. Soon hence forth after skipping to the post box to mail my form, I received a rather stern email demanding my presence fresh and early at Darlinghurst courts on Monday 21st. Boo!

The form which says that I am just in the selection process also says, if selected, I could be up for 16 weeks of full time jury duty. Not cool. My bosses face drained of colour as soon as I told him, but then I tried to smooth it over by saying most people sit in a room for an entire day before being told to go home. Service served.

Please please please let this be me!

If I do go through to being interviewed by lawyers another tip, from a Lawyer no less, is to look very YUPPIE as they do not want too successful people on a jury as they seem to want Mr and Mrs Average.

But worse case is that you have to serve almost three months, paid by work, to do 12 hours of a day of Jury Duty. People have been know to lose homes, fail courses and, gulp, lose their jobs due to these things. Though being fired for jury duty is highly illegal. Also if movies serve me well I will be kiddnapped by the mafia and blackmailed to vote non guity or they will kill my 10 year old son.

Still not fun. I need to charge my iPhone and take a book I think for Monday. Just think of this as a down day, hopefully with no return visits.

UPDATE: It got delayed till next week.

I Goty Goty Goty!

This morning this baby arrived for me. I have been fingering it all day long. Its brilliant, i love it. i need to take a moment and put my head between my knees.

Beached in New Zeelund

Love this, makes me homesick a tad. Very funny

Almost here.

oooo. oooo. Can't talk. Me needy to see. Batman. NOW! *deep breath, foot stamp and bottom lip sticking out* Apparently it is amazing and Ledger is utterly mind blowing as The Joker in The Dark Knight. It will be very strange to watch him and think he is dead. I hear that posthumous Oscar talk is starting to mount for him. Sad but a fitting tribute.

Let Jesus-a-looza commence

World Youth Day has plopped finally into Sydney, much to the collective sighs of most residents. Firstly the word day is a bit wrong, last time I looked 'day' was a 24 hour hour period and not 5 days. So World Youth Week already got off on the wrong foot with me, today the trains were more messed up than usual, apparently due to lost American Christians wearing "Jesus is cool, so you be too" tees holding up trains while they ask a train map where 'Bandi Beach' is.

Wishing I could run from the city to avoid all related Pope-mania. Things are set to become much worse, as apparently this weekend is where it will all come to a tambourine smashing conclusion with over a million people expected to disco with the Pope in Randwick. Thousands of Sydney-siders will need to walk to get places as most streets in a six suburb radius will be closed so the faithful can shuffle to the site.

I will avoid my evils of organised religion diatribe this time as I think I could be arrested under the newly enforced "annoying" laws past by the state government. The "annoying' law mean that anyone wearing a tee shirt that can be offensive (aka: freedom of speech), acting inappropriately (aka: right to protest) and behaving in an embarrassing fashion to Sydney (anyone that is not straight, white and religious) can be spirited off to detention for the period of the 'day'. The funny thing is no one from World Youth Day, The Police Force or the NSW govt will own up to asking for these draconian laws to be adopted.

Oh how lovely. Best keep your anti-pope/Jesus-a-looza thoughts under your lion cloth for the next few days and leave your "God who?" t-shirts at home or you will be smoted by the local cops.

UPDATE: The annoyance laws have been overturned in a NSW court who have declared " the annoyance clause was invalid because it could not have been the intention of Parliament to make such vague and extensive limits to free speech". See here

Govt to scare underage drinkers straight

Not really, this is the new tourist 'experience' from the new Darwin theme park, Crocasaurus Cove. Looks rather pants crappingly exciting, I would try it. According to local redneck chip shop owner, 'Choppa' the croc packs a whoppa of a punch when approached. I find that easy to believe. I would think if I was lounging about in my hole wondering what dog I would eat for dinner when a large plastic beer jug containing a shrieking Japanese tourist dropped on my head, I would give it a hell of a whack to see if something chewy or dead fell out. How long before Pamela Anderson turns up in hotpants to rescue Chopper?

How many did you cross off this weekend?

The New South Wales Office of Liquor and Gaming have released a very useful list of signs of drunkenness over the weekend. Its incredibly illuminating and utterly useless. what they going to do? laminate it and stick it in the toilets so you can check every time you go for a slash, to see if your drunk yet. Check yourself on this list. I got about 13 now, and I am sober and at work. What a load of tosh.

You are drunk if you are experiencing or have experienced:
1. Slurring words

2. Rambling or unintelligible conversation

3. Incoherent or muddled speech

4. Loss of train of thought

5. Not understanding normal conversation

6. Difficulty in paying attention

7. Unsteady on feet

8. Swaying uncontrollably

9. Staggering

10. Difficulting walking straight

11. Cannot stand or falling down

12. Stumbling

13. Bumping into or knocking over furniture and people

14. Lack of co-ordination

15. Spilling drinks

16. Dropping drinks

17. Fumbling change

18. Difficulty counting money or paying

19. Difficulty opening doors

20. Inability to find one's mouth with a glass

21. Rudeness

22. Aggression

23. Belligerent

24. Argumentative

25. Offensive

26. Bad tempered

27. Physically violent

28. Loud or boisterous

29. Confused

30. Disorderly

31. Exuberance

32. Using offensive language

33. Annoying or pestering others

34. Overly friendly

35. Loss of inhibition

36. Inappropriate sexual advances

37. Drowsiness or sleeping at a bar or table

38. Vomiting

39. Drinking rapidly

40. Reading Lists to find out if one is drunk or not

Scary. No words needed

Ok words are indeed needed....Bindi the Doll from Hell talks too! Says things like "Lets go rescue some wildlife", "Is that a Galah in your dunny?', "Come on guys lets poke a Croc with a didgeridoo" and "Watch me sing and dance while I scare the world with my dead DEAD EYES!"