Pop off!

What is the deal with adult acne outbreaks!?

Blooming knicker storm people, in the past couple of weeks I have had a rather annoying spot explosion and it has been driving me bonkers. At first I thought I was from the rather sweaty summer but as the weather cooled my zits seemed to become totally renegade. What is the deal? I am now safely in my thirties now and thought I had left a majority of my pimples behind in high school. But the dermo fairy had obviously waved her oil wand and said a wee trip back to adolescence might be wonderful.

Don’t get me wrong, I have been lucky with my skin with no real issues and even in my teen years I managed to navigate around any huge pus invasions. My break outs are always stress related it seems, in 1992 my nose staged its own high school production of The Last Days Of Pompeii, with it's own My Vesuvius replica. I sat in the back field with my Slazenger school bag over my head until it went away. The funny thing is all it takes is one major zit to cause the rest of your face to utterly freak out! I never knew my skin was a total pansy, who hitches up skirts and ran for the nearest nunnery when the pimple gang comes to town.

The reason I got a bit miffed by his is that I really take care of my skin, I cleanse, I moisturise. I may do a face mask on Saturday evenings before going out and I have enjoyed more than a few facials. I like taking care of it, so that’s why this incursion huffed me so. How dare my skin rebel like this, I have a friend Adrian who does nothing to his skin..its so annoying and he is fine even though someone told him he had the eyes of a 40 year old the other day.

40 year old eyes aside, my 15 year old style face tizzy has started to calm. Through gentle cleansing and a whack of Salicylic Acid, thanks Neutrogena. Though this shit is HARSH, so that will go back in the emergency draw after I have declared a cease fire with my pores.

Meet my new husband..

We met on a dark and stormy night, I lost my bus ticket and he found found my heart. Norbert and I are getting married at the Bondi Junction Bus Station at 4.20pm (in between his change counting before the 4.30 departure of the 251 to Lane Cove). Come. Dress theme is bus maps meets death metal dentists.

Small question....

where are her friggin nipples!????

Nudist crushes spiders house, Spider bites Man's willy.

"Forget the flies, show me the spam javelin"

Damn don't mess with a kiwi spider, especially when your naked butt crushes its house. As a Canadian tourist found after he took a nudie swim in the far north and then fell asleep on a cozy sand dune.

Problem is NZ sand dunes are high density apartments living for upwardly mobile Katipos spiders, the only poisonous animal in the country. Bum Luck...haw haw..see what i did there? Anyway, the Canuck awoke with a swollen pee pee, severe headaches and vomiting. Sounds like a the result of a night at a backpacker bar with a German girl called Helga to me.

See the full story here, fanks SMH.com.au

This is apparently the first case of a Katipo causing such a bad reaction, as they usually spend most their time knitting and watching re-runs of Kiwi Idol not biting tourists pork swords. Charlottes Web this is not.

Lady spider must have had a bitch pill that day. Anyhoo hope the moose lover feels better soon.

Are smokers the new junkies?

"Have you seen these people?"

Have you noticed that smoking has become the new social faux pas, these days you more likely to see people sparking up next to a garbage bin in the rape alley behind the bar, or hiding furtively by a tree trying to garner as little attention as possible whilst flaming their death sticks. Remember not so long ago smokers actually proudly lit up in bars, threatening to singe your clothing, set fire to your hair and dry up your lungs. I for one am glad I don’t come home anymore smelling like I have been sleeping in an ashtray since last Tuesday and I find it much more helpful that I no longer wake up in the morning to find a yellow burn hole in my new shirt made by some shitfaced overtly gesticulating Emo.

But since the new laws have come in, smokers are the persona non grata for a new millennium, like door to door salesmen and those party poopers over at the binge drinking council. Every morning I am frightened by what I think is a bloody thirsty meth addict hiding in a fire escape about to stab me with a Bic ballpoint pen, but when I look I discover they are just your average office workers getting their fix before a big day. It’s unnerving and kind of sad, why not give up?

I know it’s easy for me to blab on about giving up, wah wah. But it’s true, admit it people…almost everyone started smoking cause it looked cool not because they actually like the taste of carbonized chemicals flooding their lungs. Now smoking if def not cool and your now a social pariah, the old drunk on the street who wet his pants and is dancing to “Let’s get physical” has a lot more street cred than your average smoker. Don’t even get me started on the sex thing, My friend Adrian has made it clear several times that as soon as you see someone hot smoke, they slip waaaay down rungs on the ‘Come and Do-Me ladder’.

Let’s put aside - if you can - the stinky breath, yellow fingers, the cats bum mouth pucker and lips that taste like Chernobyl Organic Veges. Who wants to date someone who is fully prepared to cough up (literally even) for cigarettes that are getting more and more expensive, that’s money they could spend on flowers and dancing monkeys for me. Also I would like a partner who won’t burn the sheets, burn me and could drop dead from black lung at any moment. Also you will save money by not having your partner turbo steam cleaned with the furnishings when your parents come over.

That’s going in the too hard basket. I prefer to keep my addictions perfect and normal - like drinking, eating butter sticks and hookering.

Oh dear maybe thats where i am going wrong...

From Engrish

Look who found their old face again!

I know these images were released last week I think…. But it took me a while to sit on this blog entry and figure out what to say.

All I can say is ole Madge is looking…good again. Not sure what she has done but gone are the puffy cheek injections and uncomfortable Botox lips. This odd work has faded to a comfortable level to reveal her old face. These images from her shoot with Interview Magazine are amazing, very Rizzo meets psycho ex nun with a crucifix fetish. Though the interview with Gus Van Sant is pure verbal masturbation, I am just stunned at how wicked she looks. Wicked in a ‘great’ way, not in a green witch “I’ll get you and your little dog too” kind of way. She even left her knickers mark on the picture to say ‘hey world, not photo shopped’, I am sure there has been a few magic wands waved here and there but for the most part looks pretty natural.

She looks like good old Madonna again and without any obvious photo shop fun, she no longer looking like some possessed crotch thrusting Madame Tussard waxwork of herself, which I am now lobbying as the real reason Madge seemed a bit odd of late. Poor dear must have locked herself in the basement whilst this doppelganger terrorized the world with a rather sophomoric album, paraded around on stage looking like an emaciated Balinese cat in a blond weave and rekindled a relationship with that bore Gwyneth Paltrow……..*snooooorrrrrrrrrreee*…….sorry I nodded off but that’s what she does to me. I am going to blame the divorce, broken hearts make you act like a freak and you look like shit.

Anyhoo, I feel like I have been fighting with Madge for a while. Like a wily teen I have stormed off to my bedroom more than a few times and screamed “I hate you” at the top of my lungs. Her last album really did suck for the most part, the last tour was tired, the pillow face was just awful and that crazy appearance on the Britney documentary! I just threw up in my mouth a little.

But she had redeemed herself of late, with a mostly quiet and dignified divorce, some hilarious toy boy action and the adoptions. Malawi-gate was a real storm in a sports cup for me, still surprised how it indescribably crippled newspapers for weeks and caused many an ill informed house wife to clutch her pearl necklace and spray Aeroguard in horror - what’s the problem really??! A rich lady wanting to adopt poverty stricken children..jeez people, just chill.

Anyway, add to that the new (old) face and word that Madge is holding off on recording a new album for a while but she could look at working with A-Trak when it happens, who is just an awesome DJ and so edgy, so I may start to be a fan again. Word to the wide though, it’s a different music world now, Lady Blah Blah is stomping about setting fire to pianos left right and centre, best take some time and do it right than doing it wrong again I think.

A + for effort, though must try harder to restrain contact with blond macrobiotic newsletter writing actresses and crotch thrusting.

Some things I think are just dandy currently..

30 Rock – Tina Fey is totally my long lost humor soulmate. One day I hope to meet her, to exchange jokes and spit.

New Music – The new Robyn tracks I am hearing are rocking my world as is the new Kelis tracks for her album ‘Flesh Tone’. I have become quite a fan of Rihanna’s latex naughtiness of late and I am utterly obsessed with Groove Armada’s 'Black Light' album. The track ‘History’ is beyond perfect, featuring an unrecognizable Will Young (ex UK’s Pop Idol show) channeling Bronski Beat for the new millennium. Awesome. Love it. Buy and bag it please.

New York – Off there is August, no more words needed to explain this I feel.

Sydney’s Indian Summer – Its May and still in the mid twenties, this is the best apocalyptic climate change ever!

Walking to work – No better way to work out the day than walking home, be it the needles need avoiding when crossing some Darlinghurst sub streets. But not having to cram into the sewer train to get home, is worth the risk of a needle stabbing and three day wait for the subsequent HIV test.

This post is to make me look arty and serious.

Autumnal Sydney....awwwww. Lucky i did not take a photo of that tranny peeing in the public gardens, that was less scenic.

yeah baby!

(Pussy did not like the new jalapeno chilli kitty litter)

I am back, so this time I won’t say sorry for being away for 12 months as, I think, it is a given.

I have spanked myself with a rather sturdy sliver of bamboo specially imported from the meanest parts of China to give myself a whipping I shan’t not forget.

And I have not forgotten, for sometime now I have been sitting on my overturned milk bottle crate I call my couch and thought “hark, my yonder cyber nonsense called my blog has doth driveled into the zone of nee updates.” And before you ask, yes I was on meth and the milk crate is actually a cardboard box from a sex toy store I stole, I was trying to up-sell myself to you. I am ashamed. Anyhoo on

with the march of sorrys.

SOOOO much has occurred in 12 months, I had my heart broken rather badly, I went to Europe and conducted a rather debauched tour of entitled ‘what does not kill me, will hopefully kill my ex”, I changed jobs (!) and I spent a lot of time with my lovely friends which means I have lots of silly stories of knees ups and knees spread. Not me of course I am virgin and have been since being a spermatozoa.

So let me enter your life again like a sneaking mould or case of hairy ear syndrome. I will creep into your dreams and your bathroom cupboards, talk about the things you wish to whack with a rolled up newspaper and occasionally rant about stuff that might mean things to you.

So without further ado… read me

Finally after 5 years....

....I am going back to London to visit! Current exchange rate silliness has put the fun police on my idea of going to the states so I have decided to go to London in Late August/Early Sept with a couple of sneaky trips to the continent being threatened. Yay. Looking for a good fare now, and because of the big G.F.C (Global Financial Caca) there are some good fares available. I will update on this as soon as information is to hand AKA: when i have the cash to buy the airfare.

Mardi Wow

Quick note, went to Sydney Mardi Gras 2009 after party and it was amazing. Very sweaty very packed, but had the best time. The NSW govt sunk $250,000 into this years event and it was extraordinary. Yes i was a bit drunk, yes I was a sweat bag, but by my bleeding gums i had a great evening. Got home at 6am, stinking like a pirate hooker but it was well worth it.

Pics to follow.

The most horrible invention ever!

In the words of South Park's Sheila Broflovski "What, What, What!!???"

This particular invention to make poopy time more 'fun' for your children, has me just convulsing in horror. Seriously people.. toilet training your kid must be horrid enough (just imagine the stained wallpaper and dead house plants) without inserting a piece of plastic into you child. You are just asking for ultimate nursing home revenge in say 40 years. To see the horror in stereo go here: http://turdtwister.com/

Whats next? Chocolate-log flume ride? Diarrhea beaded necklace maker?

I need to go poke the mental images from my skull with a heated kniting needle now.

*Gulp*

Wow trust Galliano to rest my private fears about what I could wear if I was a cross dressing courtroom judge on the way to a formal screening of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Man that one has kept me awake for weeks. Now I can sleep like a fat baby, only if I can figure out what I would wear to a Cannibal Bamitzvah hosted by Dionne Warwick circa 'Solid Gold' days. Oh the worry....

Analyse this

Ok so in the past few months what have we learned: not to date players (check), realise some home truths about love and family (check) and realise life is what you make of it (check and check). What a time, it seems change is everywhere we look from the Global Financial Crisis AKA ‘Honey I shrunk our investment portfolio’ to personal changes and big decisions. I am not sure, but after the uber-crap year that was ‘2000 and hate’ there was a general feeling in my friends that things have to change and the first place is with yourself. I took the opportunity towards the end of the year to revaluate all that was going wrong in my life and try to do something about it, so I started therapy.

I was at a crossroads, I was unhappy and I felt that I had to be the reason my relationships were not going well, and I am not talking about just love life but everything. I was unhappy and felt as if life was closing in on me. So I started seeing this lovely lady who resembled a South African garden gnome and at first i was resistant, I wanted to focus just on my love life but as you may know nothing is out of bounds in therapy. Every old hurt and hideous memory is dragged screaming from the trunk, shaken off and given the once over. The most amazing thing is how you build you life around ideas and concepts that were totally untrue or ridiculous, even childish. That’s no surprise as we learn a lot of this when we are a child. But mostly the focus was on my Dad, who I never knew and how this effected everything I did and decided. Unbelievable and crushing but ultimately rewarding beyond measure. I can’t describe how much my life changed after that, I started opening up to everyone around me, meeting new people and becoming someone i liked and who was open to life not away hiding from it.

Anyway I am not going to wax psychological on you, but to understand the past few months I could not ignore the life changing elephant in the room.

So... now that’s out the way, we can get back to business. Random pictures, rambling diatribes, and general rants.

Happy New Year BTW, and it’s good to be back. I hope the dog with the wheels for legs is still reading my blog.

um eerr...yeah..sorry..

Yes ok, let’s talk about the elephant in the room. I have been AWOL since November, it is now almost March.

OK, yes I have been very bad and have not put finger tip to key board for some time.But do not think this is for I have had nothing to talk about, totally the opposite. In fact the past 4 months have been incredible.

I have had a lot to talk about so, I won’t just vomit up all into a blog fur ball that will stick to your windshields.

Let me collect my thoughts as I want to kick start this blog again after an eventful and refreshing hiatus. Soon my precious...